To Be Loved Is to Be Hurt: A Common Misconception
Students in Dr. Emily Stark’s Social Psychology course complete a research project where they identify a misconception related to psychology, conduct both background research and an empirical project measuring belief in that misconception, and summarize their findings in a short blog post paper or by creating an infographic. The goal is to build student research skills as well as showcase the importance of thinking critically about information encountered in the media or in popular culture. This post is one of the papers submitted for this project. For more information on this project, just use the contact page to contact Dr. Stark.
By Melissa Meouchy
Insults, yelling, and physical aggression are all common examples of violence in romantic or intimate relationships. However, this type of aggression exists in many other forms, some of which are harder to perceive than others. From name-calling disguised as teasing, to obsessive and controlling behaviors disguised as jealousy, dating violence can easily be misinterpreted as a form of love.
In fact, throughout history, art, and many forms of media, love commonly seems to be associated with pain. This pain can be the one of losing a loved one, of being in love, or even the pain one endures for the sake of love. However, sometimes the pain portrayed is the one directly received from a loved one (dating violence). This particular type of pain is commonly romanticized and leads to the unfortunate normalization of violence in intimate relationships.
For example, the book Fifty Shades of Grey, by E. L. James, has depictions of dating violence and undertones of abuse and non-consensual activities. However, despite those aspects, the book became so popular that it was awarded book of the year by the general public and also received a movie adaptation with similar praises. This book is a great example of the romanticization of abuse and violence in intimate relationships in media. Particularly, how commonly people, especially young people, believe in the misconception of pain as love.
The belief of this misconception and the normalization of dating violence in media has several negative consequences, especially among adolescents and their attitudes towards abuse. Researchers found that adolescents who believe in romantic myths, particularly the myth of love and violence (the idea that you can mistreat someone you love), held more tolerant attitudes towards abuse (Cava et al., 2023). This same study also concluded that young girls were more likely to be victims of teen dating violence due to their general tolerance towards abuse in intimate relationships (Cava et al., 2023).
Furthermore, the belief of this misconception is so normalized that in certain cases, it is difficult to unlearn it. Another study aimed to understand attitude changes (or lack thereof) towards the normalization of abuse in relationships. Particularly, researchers were interested in understanding the reasoning behind those beliefs, and therefore ways to encourage an attitude change. They found that those who believed in this misconception had several reasons justifying their beliefs. They reframed violence in a positive light to make it more desirable, perceived violence as just a tool for communication, and even claimed that violence in romantic relationships is just proof of authentic love (Ustunel, 2025). These harmful ideas were hard to unlearn, and resistance to attitude changes was noted in the study.
This ties to the fact that the idea that violence is just an expression of love has become so normalized that many people simply grew up hearing it.
In fact, an online survey was created to test several different misconceptions among college students. Within it, one of the questions asked the participants to rate how often they heard the misconception of love and violence growing up. Specifically, “If a person is mean to you, that means that they like you”. Interestingly, out of 76 participants a strong majority claimed that they heard this statement fairly often growing up. This survey was useful in demonstrating how common and spread out the misconception of violence and love truly is.
Overall, it is detrimental to remember that for as much as it is normalized, it is still just a misconception. Love should not hurt, and you should never willingly hurt a loved one. Anyone can be a victim of domestic violence, but the first step in getting out of this situation is recognizing that you are being abused. The normalization and romanticization of abuse in intimate relationships is what causes people to not recognize their unhealthy relationships. Therefore, the spread of this misconception must be stopped, and the spread of awareness must take its place.
References
Cava, M., Castillo, I., Buelga, S., & Tomás, I. (2023). Relationships among romantic myths, tolerant attitudes toward abuse, and teen dating violence victimization: The moderator role of gender. Youth & Society, 55(8), 1542. https://doi.org/10.1177/0044118X221119235
Ustunel, A. O. (2025). “Violence is just an expression of love and spontaneity”: Young men’s processes of resistance to change after a dating violence prevention program in Turkey. Journal of Family Violence, 40(1), 81. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10896-023-00588-6